Self Cognizance Part 1 of ???

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s been a rough three days. You know the way to ensure you’ll have a bitch of a day? Complain about how crazy the day BEFORE was and watch as the skies open and the shitstorm destroys your day. I’ll sum it up like this: potentially tens of thousands of dollars flushed down the potty because one person didn’t point out that we needed 90MB of space freed up on a server.

Really? REALLY?! I have a few 1 GB thumb drives at home I can bring in if need be to ensure work can continue. (Not a bad reflection on the company, just the one or two people who should have prevented the situation…)

That was the situation that I started my day with. Trust me, it only got better. And by “better” I mean “we’re lucky I didn’t go home and start shot-gunning beers at 11am”. So after work I went with two girlfriends to Guadalajara to drink pomtini’s and talk about makeup and personal grooming for over an hour. I’m not sure if those girls I had assigned the title of “superficial bitch” to really deserved it, or if they were incredibly stressed corporate business women who identified the way to dissolve anxiety much sooner than I, but Misha, Carol and I realized tonight that it is so relaxing to talk about insignificant uncomplicated trivial bullshit like brands of mascara and methods of eyebrow grooming, not having to make a decision or get emotional or pissed off or even waste effort trying to get excited about something, when all you want to do is vegetate after spending the last 9 hours completely worked up, talking yourself down from leaping over the cube walls and strangling fellow employees, reminding yourself every 20 minutes that you are incredibly fortunate to have a job.

I challenge you to write a grammatically correct sentence as long as that last one. I always did have a propensity for “non-run-on run-on’s.” But in all honestly, I’m still enjoying this management role far more than any position I’ve held at this company so far. True, I’m working my ass off and spending twice as many hours in the office as I should be, but I’m also learning more about the areas of the business I didn’t know much about. I’m an Aries and undoubtedly I love a challenge as long as it is within reason, so I’m really enjoying identifying all the issues and figuring out how best to resolve. People keep asking if Ontario is driving me nuts yet but I keep telling them for now I’m really enjoying learning so much and knowing I’m having a huge positive impact on the region, business-wise. But I do honestly fear that the “honeymoon” will end and it’ll all start driving me bonkers. Then again, I stayed in Contract Admin for five years, so I’m pretty sure I can handle Ontario and all its Canadian craziness for quite a bit longer!

I got home and walked out to my balcony to listen to the jazz band playing down by the 8^th floor pool. There is an interior design competition amongst 3 top Houston designers who’ve “tricked out” 3 units here at One Park Place so there are a ton of people in my building touring and voting, socializing and gawking. I was watching people walk around the pool, a couple stop and look up at the balconies towering before them, four people laughing riotously by the fire pit, hearing Emily in my head screaming at me to wander down and chat with folks. The visitors, not to mention the residents, are always somebodies; well-known, well-paid, well-titled, and just waiting for me to meander on over and chat for a bit. I sit and debate with myself, knowing that it’s only 8pm and that I could grab a glass of wine and make a lap around the pool and, if I don’t find anyone worth talking to (puh-leeze!) that I could simply come back up and put on my pj’s.

It is at this point that I found myself in a moment of self-awareness. It was as if I was floating 15 feet out in front of my balcony looking at myself and seeing me, really SEEING me, and I began to smile. My fuzzy red curls blowing in the wind as I lean up against the balcony enjoying the slight breeze against my skin in the 68 degree weather. Staring at the fire and allowing my passionate nature inside to feel countered. Listening to the waterfall rush over the side of the pool in an endless and tranquil fashion and allowing my Zen side to take over, calming what little craziness remained after the drinks and Mexi-food. Understanding that people-watching from high above suited me just fine as I enjoy the dynamics of human interaction without interjecting myself into the situation. Looking up at the gorgeous display of lights from the traffic signals, car lights, and, most of all, the buildings. So I smile and turn to go inside, leaving the door cracked so as to enjoy the music (a woman is singing now), happy that I’m comfortable with who I am, if not delighted, and try to remember what I have queued up on Netflix…